A Wee Blast From The Past...

Years ago, mankind watched in wonder as a new phenomenom spread across the country like wildfire. Facts. Facts about a man. Not just a man, but THE Man. Chuck Norris. And just as quickly as they came, they disappeared, much like the Limited Edition Holiday Pepsi of eons ago.

At the height of Chuck Norris Facts hysteria, I myself submitted a round of facts. Facts, which for some reason, were never accepted. So I post them here for you. Let's get a little retro and enjoy some of Mark Rosenthal's REJECTED CHUCK NORRIS FACTS!

1) Nutritionists estimate that one single Chuck Norris roundhouse kick burns an astounding 14,237 calories and several small peasant villages.

2) Chuck Norris once out-drank the entire population of Ireland...while sleeping.

3) Before a chance meeting with Mr. Norris, Corky from "Life Goes On" was named Glenn, and had scored an amazing 1350 on his SAT's.

4) Chuck Norris is suing Marvel Comics. Turns out the planet eating behemoth known as Galactus is indeed just Chuck Norris with a silly helmet on.

5) Every president since Truman has been inaugurated not by swearing on a Bible, but rather with a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the head.

6) Chuck Norris does not chew food. Food merely liquifies itself out of fear.

7) Little known historical fact: Chuck Norris not only tore down the Berlin Wall with his bare hands, he also penned the song "Winds of Change." The song was so powerful, the Scorpions played it once atop the wall and exploded, never to be heard from again.

8) Chuck Norris's dick is so big, his dick has it's own dick. And even his dick's dick is bigger than your dick.

9) Chuck Norris once tore a phone book in half... with his mind.

10) The word "Ragnarok" in Norse speak literally translates to: "The Day Chuck Norris Shoved Thor's Hammer Up The World's Ass."

11) Statistics show that every 7 seconds, a baby is born and every 5 seconds someone dies. Chuck Norris is a busy man.

12) There are no paparazzi images of Chuck Norris because his pure, unadulterated awesomeness cannot be captured on camera.

13) The only reason "Two And A Half Men" is still on the air? Chuck Norris likes it. And so do you.

14) Oprah gives away free cars. Chuck Norris gives out free roundhouse kicks. Game, set and match? Chuck Norris.

15) The "Delta Force" films are not fiction at all, but rather Chuck Norris home movies.

One More Thing Before I Go...

Yet another video of me doing what I do best: wasting your precious internet time. Special thanks to William Turbyfill for DP'ing the hell out of this thing.

In Honor Of Halloween...

With the Devil's Night upon us, I figured I might share with you some of my costumes from past years of Halloween debauchery. WARNING: what you are about to see may be disturbing to those with weak stomachs, frail eyes and those averse to paunch. Don't say I didn't warn you.



SPRING BREAK '86, BABY! WHOO!



Me And Ben As The MythBusters



Me And Brett As Mario And Luigi



Me As Carl From Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Stay tuned for more crap in the days to come.

A Crap Preview Of Things To Come

The following bit of business was filmed a few years ago as a camera test. It now comes to you boasting 1,372 views on YouTube. Surely, a great success. Please be patient. I promise things will get better.

A Brief History Of Ten Minutes Ago...

Approximately ten minutes ago, I gave beautiful, placenta-y birth to this wonderful bastion of comedic greatness. Welcome, one and all, to BALLS = YOU LOSE!, the only destination for the random comedic stylings of me, Mark Rosenthal.

In the (hopefully) millenia to come, visitors to my little comedy haven will be treated to the random musings, videos, songs, comics, audio clippage and God knows what else that my expansive, yet one track mind, has to offer.

Now, I am aware that the product I peddle is intangible, and thus cannot be guaranteed. Let's be fair: there's a chance not everything here will tickle your personal funny bone. And that's okay. I'll keep trying. If at first I don't succeed, I will try, try again. And again. And once more. And a half. Then some.

I'm-a make you laugh, dammit. Make you laugh real good.

Now stay tuned for your regularly scheduled program, "BALLS = YOU LOSE!" is on the air.