A Brief, Apocryphal History Of Elgin, IL...

Even though I now reside in the massive metropolis known as Schaumburg, I was born and raised in the quaint, Mexican-food enriched town known as Elgin. A scant 30-164 minute drive to Chicago, it is a bastion of cheap bars, cheap parks and a riverboat casino that doesn't move.

Classy.

Elgin is also home to Elgin Mental Health Facility. These days, the old asylum doesn't pack them in like they used to. Back in the day, however, they were jumping like 1950's sock hop. Mind you, a 1950's sock-hop all drugged up and electro-shocked, but still.

The end of Elgin Mental Health's halcyon days came in the late 1980's, when overcrowding and a dwindling city budget meant cutbacks had to be made. The powers that be held a meeting, and a decision was made. It was agreed that the most logical, safe and cost preventitive solution...was to let some of the psychos go.

How do you do that? How do you just let a bunch of looney's loose? Do you treat them like baseball cards?

DOCTOR: Well, both these guys think they're Kennedy...but that one stabs people. Kennedy 1, you're free to go!

KENNEDY 1: (happily) Ich bin ein Berliner!

DOCTOR: Sorry Kennedy 2.

KENNEDY 2: (stabbily) Ich bin ein Berliner...

My grandmother was a nurse at this facility. And, as read in a previous post, spent a large sum of my childhood watching me. This meant, that whenever we went out for cheese fries, or a walk, or to a bank, we would inevitably encounter one of her former patients. My grandmother, sweet as she was, felt it was in my best interest, as a small, lightweight child, to introduce me to these hulking insanities.

I knew them all. Bruce was my favorite. Truly one of the more talented of the quixotic hoboes, he was capable of walking his imaginary dog AND play air guitar at the same time. Crazy? Most certainly. Skilled? Damn straight. I'd like to see any one of you walk your imaginary Irish Setter AND bust out the solo from "Carry On My Wayward Sun." It's hard. I know. I tried.

There is your Brief, Apocryphal History Of Elgin, IL. Stay tuned for my Passionate Defense Of Jean-Claude Van Damme coming in the next few days.